Well aren't I the big fat failure :(

Last blog entry was back in Janaury - and here I am 8 months later - still no where near where I dream to be :( have really let myself down in so many ways. I have no one else to blame but myself and the only one that can fix my weight issues and get to be the person I hear screaming on the inside is me and that scares me as I have let myself down in so many ways...

The last month has really opened my eyes and I have spend alot of time soul searching and trying to come up with reasons why I just can't stick to or finish anything when it comes to being healthy and losing weight. And I think I may have pin point my problem - ME!!!!

Yes I'm the one that is holding myself back I'm the one that is not making this work - I'm the one that comes up with excuse after excuse. I have made an appointment with my GP to get a referal to seek some professional help!!! Very hard to admit.. I need to deal with my body issues, I need to deal with so many things.. I need to deal with the fact that I feel like a failure and my body has let me down in so many ways that I think that I punish myself with food - self harming some might say.. It was like a lighting bolt had hit me when I realise what I was doing I'm punishing myself for my body letting me down. And it all stems back to my fertility issues.. I have never deals with those feelings and emotions. Once I finally got pregnant with my beautiful baby boy all the pain all that heartache all those failure feeling got pushed aside and replaced with feeling of love and joy and that finally it has happen. And I didn't learn to deal with all the emotion stuff that comes with having to deal with LTTC and fertility treatment. And then there is the need for me to have c-sections and not being able to breastfeed my babies. All amounts to my body letting me down and cause me so much pain and heart ache why won't I punish something that gave me so much grief.. Loads of tears right now but some are happy tears finally breaking down my wall and can see a little bit of sunshine on the other side..

I'm starting back on my fitness and life style programs not calling it a diet as it this is about changing my eating habit, changing my mindset which is going to be so hard as I have that "oh I will start tomorrow so today you can eat as much crap as you want"

so it is a long road ahead but I think I'm alot clearer on how to get there this time...

See you tomorrow for day 1 and weight in!!!!!