Well aren't I the big fat failure :(

Last blog entry was back in Janaury - and here I am 8 months later - still no where near where I dream to be :( have really let myself down in so many ways. I have no one else to blame but myself and the only one that can fix my weight issues and get to be the person I hear screaming on the inside is me and that scares me as I have let myself down in so many ways...

The last month has really opened my eyes and I have spend alot of time soul searching and trying to come up with reasons why I just can't stick to or finish anything when it comes to being healthy and losing weight. And I think I may have pin point my problem - ME!!!!

Yes I'm the one that is holding myself back I'm the one that is not making this work - I'm the one that comes up with excuse after excuse. I have made an appointment with my GP to get a referal to seek some professional help!!! Very hard to admit.. I need to deal with my body issues, I need to deal with so many things.. I need to deal with the fact that I feel like a failure and my body has let me down in so many ways that I think that I punish myself with food - self harming some might say.. It was like a lighting bolt had hit me when I realise what I was doing I'm punishing myself for my body letting me down. And it all stems back to my fertility issues.. I have never deals with those feelings and emotions. Once I finally got pregnant with my beautiful baby boy all the pain all that heartache all those failure feeling got pushed aside and replaced with feeling of love and joy and that finally it has happen. And I didn't learn to deal with all the emotion stuff that comes with having to deal with LTTC and fertility treatment. And then there is the need for me to have c-sections and not being able to breastfeed my babies. All amounts to my body letting me down and cause me so much pain and heart ache why won't I punish something that gave me so much grief.. Loads of tears right now but some are happy tears finally breaking down my wall and can see a little bit of sunshine on the other side..

I'm starting back on my fitness and life style programs not calling it a diet as it this is about changing my eating habit, changing my mindset which is going to be so hard as I have that "oh I will start tomorrow so today you can eat as much crap as you want"

so it is a long road ahead but I think I'm alot clearer on how to get there this time...

See you tomorrow for day 1 and weight in!!!!!

Weight Loss Sucks

Big Time!!!!

Well it has been a bad week - well was having a good week until I had my weigh in tonight - 100grams loss :(

I'm trying to look at as a positive as it is still a loss and not a gain but I'm very disappointed as I was so good - well apart from our wedding anniversary we went to Sizzlers - I know very romantic LOL we had the kiddies.. But I was still good I didnt' go near the crispy pototo skins or have any cheese toast but I was still really good.

I guess it is the up and downs of weight loss but I'm not giving in - I refuse to fail - I can't failure - I won't failure..

So Week 2 of WW and I'm down 2.4kgs - half way to my first goal of 5% which I want to try and achieve before we go to Newcastle in 2 weeks - wish me luck...

Well I did it!!!

And so thankful that I did!

Last week I joined WW - it was scary and very confronting but I'm so glad that I did it.. I wasn't too shocked at the scales - still upsetting seeing the number but I have to remember it is only a number and it isn't going to be like that forever. My start weight is 106.1!!!! I have a long way to come to my goal weight of 70kgs but I'm taking it one step at a time. My first mini goal is 5%.

Finding the program really easy - it doesn't really feel like I'm on a diet - some days I'm struggling to make up the points!!! Though I did discover the White Choc cookies at the weight in tonight so that might chance LOL

I had my second weight in tonight and so happy to say that my first week and I dropped 2.3kgs - YAY what a magical feeling. I have gone to aqua 4 times since my first weight in aswell - very proud of myself..

I have been good - not really struggling with the food - though some days I want to go back to my own ways but I stop myself - some thing that I haven't been able to do alot of. Feeling very strong that I can do this.. My want to be thinner and healthy is stronger than my want for food.. Food makes me miserable and I want to change that - I'm going to change that.. I want to be the person that I know I can be and that is the thing that is keeping me going...

So here is to another week - another week closer to my goal.. It is my wedding anniversary on Friday and I'm hoping that my wedding rings might be able to fit on my fingers again - that would be the best present..

Want to feel like a winner

Instead of a feeling like a loser for once!!!!

The saying Good Things Come to Those Who Wait is so isn't true. We have been waiting so long for something good to come our way. We seem to be getting hit all the time by bad luck - I just want something to go right for once instead of everything going bad.

I would love to be able want something and be able to get it.

I would love to go a day without stressing

I would love to have some direaction in your lives instead of living day to day

I would love to receive a phone call, email to say something good is about to happen

I would love to have a break from debt

I would love to take my little family on a well deserve holiday

I would love to go one day without crying and be truly happy..

I would love to the person I so want to be but I know that is a long time coming - baby steps...

I would to go a week without one of my children being sick or injuried.

I know that I'm truly blessed with a wonderful hubby and the two most beautiful children that I would do anything for - I just wish that I could give them more :(

My journey begins

Today is the start of a new me...

I have been so miserable about my weight for a very long time - full of excuses to why I don't do anything about it.. I have enough of being sad I want to feel happiness, joy and pride in myself.. I want to be a positive role model to my children - I want to be the woman that my husband marriage and I want to be that person I so want to be..

Thursday is the day that I start WW I'm so scared of failing - my body has let me down and failed me in so many ways I get scared that I'm setting myself up for more hurt and heartbreak for failing again. But you know what I'm over being scared - I need to confront my fears head on and make this work.

I have come to realise that I'm the only one that can make me happy - that this is a journey that I need to be the one doing the hard yards..

I have so many wonderful people to keep me motivated - I'm going to use their motivation to inspire me to get this weight off that has been holding me back for so very long..

Shall be back on Thursday with my weight in details - I feel sick thinking about it but it the first step to a new me...

Wish me luck

xoxo